Last Will and Testiment

In the event I become incapacitated and lose my ability to make competent medical decisions; here is my living will, the standing orders and last wishes to which my medical power of attorney (hopefully it's a dude, because dudes are thinkers and not feelers) is hereby dutifully bound:

WHEREAS, I am in charge now,

WHEREAS, if I become a vegetative mass and my survival depends upon a feeding tube,

BE IT RESOLVED THAT,
-- My daily intake of high-dollar, aged, single-malt scotch shall be doubled, AND --
-- Three Eastern European escorts of various ages shall be hired to alternatively massage my back, style my hair and moisturize my genitals as needed, AND --
-- A self-righteous QAnon RINO politician who is preferably male -- although a female will do just as well if she has recently served as Regent for the University of Colorado or harkens from the Western Slope -- shall be invited to my hospice room, AND --
-- My diet shall be supplemented with a cocktail of illicit stimulant recreational drugs until my body involuntarily surges from the gurney and attacks the aforementioned officials, AND --
-- The regimen of drugs shall be continued until one of us is dead.

ALSO WHEREAS, if I become a vegetable, but others believe I might recover if given more time; and if "recovery" means I'd live in a daily puddle of my own leavings,

BE IT RESOLVED THAT,
-- A bouquet of flowers shall be sent to the three Eastern European escorts, AND --
-- The media shall be called, AND --
-- I shall be swiftly killed with 16-ounce ball peen hammers.

AND BE IT AGAIN RESOLVED:
-- That is what I want, you fucking bastards.

There should be no disputes, no need to call the governor, no need to enlist Congress, no need to bother the President.