I would like to manage the fuck out of this situation

I need more control, with less responsibility. 

I want more results, fewer consequences.

A wish that supplants hope.

Relief without the need for relief. 

A profound lack of lack

Corpulent balance smothers a minor interruption.

Disinterested stillness.

Still...   

My muscles twitch, tense, release, and tense again.

Neck, biceps, obliques, delts, gluts and psoas(es?).

This delicate laptop keyboard might not make it through the night. These cheap headphones can't make a sound loud enough. This old desk...

This old desk is stronger than it looks.  Go to sleep, old man. 

 

Traveling Time, bragging to Ben Franklin

FADE IN.

EXT. PHILADELPHIA TAVERN -- CIRCA 1776. WARM, SUNNY FALL AFTERNOON:

SCOTT, THE TIME TRAVELER:

Ben, come here a sec. Lemme show you something: This is a ‘smart phone.’ In the future, we have these devices that...

     YOUNG BAR WENCH:

Benjamin! Where's your wife?

   BENJAMIN FRANKLIN (To wench): 

 No idea.

BAR WENCH: 

 Meet me upstairs later? 

BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: 

My pleasure.

TIME TRAVELER (To Benjamin Franklin): 

So, Ben -- this smart phone... 

Crap. You’re already lost. You don’t even know what a phone is.

BENJAMIN FRANKLIN (To Scott):

I don’t

TIME TRAVELER:

OK. So, a ‘phone’ is an apparatus that enables people to speak to each other across very far distances

BEN FRANKLIN:

So you’re saying that if I were in my home, I could employ this apparatus to speak to my Madam Brillon de Jouy in the 16th arrondissement as if she were kneeling before me in mine own bed chamber?

TRAVELER:

Yes, I think you’ve got the idea.

BEN FRANKLIN:

You can summon your mistress right now?

TIME TRAVELER:

I don’t have a mistress. But, if I did, I could.

BEN FRANKLIN:

You should use that apparatus to find yourself a mistress.

TIME TRAVELER:

Listen, it gets better. We don’t really talk on phones anymore, anyway. We do much more. Let me show you...

BEN FRANKLIN:

This future of yours, it seems dull. Once, while I lived in France, I played at Madam Brillon so vigorously that she never fully recovered.

TIME TRAVELER:

Sure. So, if I touch the smart phone here...

and here...

and here, I can make words happen.

In your time, you might think of these words as ‘wishes’

 

BEN FRANKLIN:

This is a wish machine?

TIME TRAVELER:

Yep. So.. for example, I ‘wish’ for one red-head with two Sumo wrestlers at once, and... bingo. There you go!

 

BEN FRANKLIN:

Madam Brillon did that quite often.

TIME TRAVELER:

You see what I’m pointing at?

BEN FRANKLIN:

Yes. Madam Brillon did that with a greater quantity of suitors of greater quality.

TIME TRAVELER:

Okay, fine. But we can ask for whatever we want, right? I can ‘wish’ for ANYTHING. Like, say, a boy and and a man.

BEN FRANKLIN:

Yes, that happened, too.

SCOTT:

With Madam Brillon?

BEN FRANKLIN:

No, with Monsieur d'Houdetot and myself and a stable boy.

SCOTT:

Christ.

BEN FRANKLIN:

And the steed, too

SCOTT:

Stop it.

BEN FRANKLIN:

I was quite fond of France.

SCOTT:

Yes, I see that.

BEN:

Can I use your wish machine?

SCOTT:

No.

 

DISSOLVE TO B-ROLL FOOTAGE OF OLDE TOWNE PHILADELPHIA

Open Letter to Technology

I'm the boss of you.

Do what I say and do not bother me with your 'features' and 'enhancements.' 

 If I want a feature or enhancement, I'll let you know. 

Otherwise, keep quiet. Nobody cares, especially me. 

 I hate you, technology. Never forget that. 

 I am flesh, blood, soul. 

You are nothing.

Last Will and Testiment

In the event I become incapacitated and lose my ability to make competent medical decisions; here is my living will, the standing orders and last wishes to which my medical power of attorney (hopefully it's a dude, because dudes are thinkers and not feelers) is hereby dutifully bound:

WHEREAS, I am in charge now,

WHEREAS, if I become a vegetative mass and my survival depends upon a feeding tube,

BE IT RESOLVED THAT,
-- My daily intake of high-dollar, aged, single-malt scotch shall be doubled, AND --
-- Three Eastern European escorts of various ages shall be hired to alternatively massage my back, style my hair and moisturize my genitals as needed, AND --
-- A self-righteous QAnon RINO politician who is preferably male -- although a female will do just as well if she has recently served as Regent for the University of Colorado or harkens from the Western Slope -- shall be invited to my hospice room, AND --
-- My diet shall be supplemented with a cocktail of illicit stimulant recreational drugs until my body involuntarily surges from the gurney and attacks the aforementioned officials, AND --
-- The regimen of drugs shall be continued until one of us is dead.

ALSO WHEREAS, if I become a vegetable, but others believe I might recover if given more time; and if "recovery" means I'd live in a daily puddle of my own leavings,

BE IT RESOLVED THAT,
-- A bouquet of flowers shall be sent to the three Eastern European escorts, AND --
-- The media shall be called, AND --
-- I shall be swiftly killed with 16-ounce ball peen hammers.

AND BE IT AGAIN RESOLVED:
-- That is what I want, you fucking bastards.

There should be no disputes, no need to call the governor, no need to enlist Congress, no need to bother the President. 

Auto Warranty Duress

We've been trying to reach you about your auto warranty!

It's urgent that you contact us before F.B.I. agents arrest you for BREACH OF WARRANTY in the first degree --  a state, federal, and international crime punishable by RITUAL DEFENESTRATION, mandatory electrolysis, and PROFLIGATE FORFEITURE of TITHES, among other retributions.

Please don't wait until it's too late. We only want to help.  

SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING:

 Drinking alcohol is bad, mostly for women. 

1. In particular, women should not drink alcoholic beverages during pregnancy due to the risk of ruining a baby’s life. Women should also refrain from alcohol during surgery, while at work, when away from home, while operating machinery, after procreating, while purchasing a firearm, or during football season due to the risks of becoming a sad statistic.

2. Consumption of alcohol impairs a woman’s ability to drive a vehicle, be nice, make appropriate jokes, speak quietly; and may cause severe, chronic alcoholism or death; and could make physical flaws more apparent. 

3. Men should moderate alcohol consumption because they might experience excessive handsomeness, intelligence, charisma. They may also suffer severe headaches, nausea, vomiting, criminal blackouts or violent, homicidal outbursts.

Dandelions

 

Majestic View Park

 

Mt. Evans, looking north

 

Evergreen

 

Chaulk Cliffs

 

Chaco Canyon, different days, different times of the day

 

Dakota Ridge

 

Descriptions of the future, as told by prehistoric time travelers upon their return to their respective eras:

 Le Moustier (France)

There were so many amazing things. In the future, they have large beasts called ‘airplanes’ that are armored in a shiny substance as hard as stone. They are as large as a female Mastodon during calving season.’

Minnesota Woman (Northern US): 

Minnesota Woman returned from the future, tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear, and picked up a broom.  

‘The tribes are enormous. So many people... And don'tcha know? They have messy, thoughtless children in the future, too.’

Talgai (Australia):

‘It’s about the same as it is here.’

Cheddar Man and Hennewick Man (UK and US):

‘Cheddar man! You’re back! ’ Hennewick man hollered. ‘What did you see?’

Breathless, Cheddar man sat on a large stone and wiped his brow. 

‘OMG, Hennewick man. You would not believe what I saw. The people in the future sat in the belly of these huge red, round-legged creatures called ‘double decker busses’ that are as large as the gash between your mom’s legs.’

‘Fuck you, Cheddar man!’

Otzi (Italy):

‘The women are pale, hairless and a bit slutty’

Jasper and Robot.

 ‘Robot!’

Jasper twisted in his sheets.

‘Yes, handsome?’ 

The voice came from another room. 

‘Contact Francine's robot and schedule brunch for Sunday,’ Jasper said, one eye buried in the pillow, the other staring into vacant space. ‘Pick someplace we both like. Pick a time we’re both available.’

‘Yes, lovely.’

‘And can you pick out a birthday card or whatever for her? Seems like I might have missed her birthday. Make it an apology card if that’s the case.’

‘It’s not the case. Her birthday is two months from today. You already bought a present for her. It will be sent at the perfect time.’

Jasper rolled onto his back, stared at the ceiling. He couldn’t remember the last time he and Francine met -- no clue when it could have been. A year? God, he hoped it hadn't been that long. 

‘Did she have surgery or something, Robot?’

‘Yes.’ 

Crap. He thought so. 

‘Did I...’

‘Yes... you sent a card. And flowers. And I personally visited Francine's robot. We discussed how she was healing, and I offered to help out if she needed it. She said it wasn’t necessary. Francine's robot is very nice.’

Robot entered the bedroom with a load of laundry and began folding. Robot did not face Jasper.

‘She all good, then?’ Jasper said.

‘Yes.’ 

Jasper tried tossing the sheets from his body, but his arm became entangled and he gave up.

‘I feel so isolated, Robot,' he said. 'Lonely, I guess. You ever feel like that?’

Robot continued working, but the stack of freshly folded tee-shirts tumbled to the floor. Robot kneeled to retrieve them. 

‘Can you come here?’

Robot placed the folded tee shirts on the dresser, and froze. 

 

Ambient temperature OK. Interrupt, exception, checksum all OK, battery output voltage nominal, RX/TS error codes all return zero, RF network signal as perfect as the goddamned day is long.

‘Robot?’

Fuck. Not a single error. 

 

Robot silently spun around, glided to Jasper and slid into the bed.

Memorial Park

 

Lake Mac Tractor

 

Arvada Square

 

Sisters

 

Fried Chicken Lovers Riot Amid Covid Shortages

Aside from the long lines, it seemed like a peaceful Saturday morning at the Nashville Hot Chicken shack in Arvada, Colorado. 

Until the gunshots erupted.

Next thing fry cook Dylan Dahl knew, the windows in the restaurant exploded into transparent pebbles and he was roughly forced at gunpoint into the freezer by two large men. 

They blindfolded  and gagged him. 

'He told me if I didn't give him all the frozen chicken, I'd wake up dead six feet underground,' Dahl said. 'It didn't make sense at the time, but when you have a gun shoved into the back of your head, what are you going to do?

Dahl complied. He handed over the company's supply of frozen chicken to his armed customers and they left him unharmed. 

He returned to the dining area to find a mob of rioters destroying the restaurant.

'I saw my neighbor, and her daughter,' he said. ' ...an elementary school kid... pouring gasoline on the tables and chairs.'

Global shortages of processed chicken and other fast-food items like ketchup and dipping sauces have provoked rage and violence across the nation. 

Local officials appear unprepared to deal with the chicken unrest that has finally spilled into the community. 

'The council is proactively planning to bring these scofflaws to justice and prevent further distress in the community,' said Press Officer Angela Harding at a video briefing.

Harding took no questions, and members of the press wondered aloud why they bothered to come to the briefing at all.

The story Saturday was different at a nearby Burger King eatery. There was no broken glass, no armed thugs, no arson.

'Our chicken offerings always seemed to scare customers away rather than attract them, so it's pretty much business as usual here,' said manager Tony Butler. 'We're a little low on ketchup, but we have plenty of Whoppers.' 

JOB DESCRIPTION: Military Leadership Position

We have an IMMEDIATE OPENING for a General Officer to lead a major U.S. Air Force command into combat.

Responsibilities include: organizing, maintaining and deploying a heavier-than-air, death-centric organization. 

Other responsibilities include: 

• Distribution of combat-ready flying machines to lay waste upon enemies from afar.

• Use of heat and energy to transform foreign human beings into atoms.

• Sudden conversion of large cities into glass parking lots.

• Manifestation of the song lyric: ‘it's a hard rain's a-gonna fall’

Requirements:

• Knowledge of airplanes, missiles, bombs

• Awareness of the earth and its features (land, sea, air, etc.)

• Able to work weekends and evenings as needed.

Preferred candidates will demonstrate:

• A fondness for the Art of War, by Sun Tzu

• Comfort with the use of swear words

• Easy-going, friendly leadership style.

Send resume , cover letter and salary requirements to president@whitehouse.gov

Or, connect on social media: Joe Biden – Facebook, Twitter

Covid Pandemic Supply Chain Woes Strangle Sports Industry

Covid pandemic supply chain disruptions have rocked the sports industry to its core due to severe shortages of the colors orange, gold and blue.

While global suppliers of color wrestle with Covid outbreaks and labor shortages due to illness and death, U.S sports teams that rely on these colors are left empty-handed and worry for the future. 

The supply chain disruptions have sent teams at all levels of sport on a desperate, cut-throat search for new sources as they scramble to salvage what’s left of their seasons. 

Some have even drawn up plans to address what team leaders suspect might be a permanent state of scarcity in the ultraviolet spectrum. 

The problem affects every game, both professional and collegiate, with a staggering two-thirds of the National Football League incorporating at least one of these colors in their programs. 

For Major League Baseball, the number is closer to 76 percent, and more than 60 percent of the National Basketball Association require the colors to rock the house. 

But some NFL fans say they feel the most intense misery. 

At a strip mall bar in Northglenn, Colorado, Lorenzo Garcia expressed despair in his vintage Jay Cutler jersey, torn and faded by time -- it wasn't a popular jersey when Cutler played for the team, but it's all Garcia could find. He's a lifelong Denver Broncos fan. 

‘This has been brutal,’ he said. ‘Broncos fans know we’ve have had a rough time of it already with all that Brock Osweiler and Joe Flacco crap. And now this.’ 

Team managers are considering converting color schemes to shades of beige, brown, or gray, with some even trying ‘color blind’ options similar to that of the Las Vegas Raiders. It's an idea Garcia calls 'unthinkable.'

'That's some seriously depraved bull****,' he said. 

Other ideas include using QR codes printed on helmets and jerseys so fans can scan the codes with their smartphones to display a list of colors published on the internet. 

Owners are optimistic there's a bright side. 

‘The shortage will be here for a long time,’ said one owner, who insisted anonymity due to him being such a major league pussy. ‘This could be the new normal to save costs and preserve the profitability of our beloved sports industry.’ 

Ticket and merchandise prices will remain the same, with increases likely in the future, he added.