Dangerous colonels in drag

...Burning Leopard to Drooping Snake, over...

...Drooping Snake, do you copy...?

...Burning Leopard, Drooping Snake, over...



[radio static]

"They're not responding, sir. I don't know why."

"Try again, soldier, but this time use different adjectives."

"What do you suggest?"

"I don't know. Anything. Just do it for christsakes!"

...Funky Leopard to Horrid Snake, over...

...Funky Leopard, Horrid Snake, over...

[static]

"Try different nouns, too."

...Dissonent Hyperbole to Deep Zenith, over...

...Dissonent Hyperbole, Deep Zenith, over...

[static...followed by clicking]

...Copy, Dissonent Hyperbole. This is Deep Zenith...

[static]

"Sir, we've made contact!"

"See? What'd I tell you?"

"What are your orders?"

"Attack... Kill... Destroy..."

"...no, wait a minute. Gimme the handset..."

[Labored breathing crackles over the airwaves, then a pause, filled only with ambient noise]

"I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. That's my dream. That's my nightmare..."

[In the background: "Sir, that's from a movie...]

"Shit, you're right."

[Radio static]

"Okay...[inaudible] ...

...you can't handle the truth!"

[Background: "That's a from a movie, too."]
[Heavy breathing briefly resumes amid the static]

"Fuck."

[More breathing. In the background, the soldier's voice: "Do you want me to do it?"]

"NO!"

[Rustling...inaudible...]

"Top Gun rules of engagement are written for your safety and for that of your team... They are not flexible, nor am I. Is that clear?"

[Static. In the background, likely the soldier: "Jesus Christ. Colonel, this is stupid..."]

[Repeated gunshots, followed by rustling, inaudible mumbling and microphone noise]

"Your days of fingerbanging Mary J. Rottencrotch through her pretty pink panties are over..."

Bruce Lee to kitten: Young one, you fight with too much anger!

Bruce Lee is not a cat, but if he were -- and if he weren't dead and if he lived next door -- he'd likely offer this advice to our kitten, who is learning to hunt phantom prey in our backyard:

"You make too much noise! And all that anticipatory wiggling before you pounce only wastes energy while telegraphing your attack. The less effort, the faster and more powerful you will be."

"Relax, little kitten. Your blows should be an extension of your chi. Let them explode from deep inside like suprise lightening on a hot, cloudless day; let them rain like one-inch ball bearings plummeting from some Lagrangian orbit; let them destroy flesh, bone and spirit."

"Calm your breathing, and don't do that twitching thing with your mouth when you think you see something moving in the grass."

"Let your opponent graze your skin, and you smash into his flesh, kitty. Let him smash into your flesh, and you fracture his bones. Let him fracture your bones, and you take his life. Then relax in both your glory and pain as you eat your opponent."

"Try the one-inch punch. It's deadly."

Lists

I love how the boss walks into the office singing some cheesy song from the 1980s that I haven't heard in years. It cracks me up every time.