Reasons why the University of Colorado Board of Regents should consider me to replace the outgoing president, crestfallen Betsy Hoffman:

1) I understand the campus culture from the "average guy" point of view: I attended classes at CU for almost two years before dropping out.

2) I never read Chaucer, so I'm unlikely to make any disastrous claims that the word "cunt" is not just a vitriolic slur, but a term of endearment.

3) My house lacks spare rooms, so I could really benefit from the extra space in the President's University Residence. Also, the $400,000 annual salary comes close to my minimum salary requirements.

4) Having created several secret slush funds in the past, I am well qualified to sniff them out.

5) I hate football, unless my favorite team is doing well. This "fair-weather" quality makes me emotionally prepared to fire the head coach if he's a loser.

6) I resent people who make more than I do, therefore, I am not only emotionally prepared, but eager, to fire the head coach.

7) I'm open to partnering with the Colorado Department of Corrections to implement a "reverse-gang-rape training program" at the university, which would be required study for the CU football head coach, the athletic director, the Board of Regents, and all CU football players and recruits. The requirement could be waived for players who publicly declare they are gay or demonstrate they are eunuchs. Regents, however, would be required to take the course twice.

8) I propose to change the institution's name to "Bullshit University."
The new moniker would correctly align the campus culture with its public image, and therefore eliminate the need to stage a 1950s-era Red Scare among the faculty of the state's other campuses of so-called higher education.

9) I would make "being either blond or brunette" an entry requirement for all female students, in homage to Katie Hnida and Lisa Simpson.

10) I would name any available toilet facility after each member of the Board of Regents, Betsy Hoffman, football head coach Gary Barnett and former athletic director Dick Tharp. I would also encourage all students and guests of the university to use the word "hole" after the appropriate name when referring to the toilet, e.g. "Hold on, a minute, I gotta hit the Hoffman hole"; or "Man, the Lucero hole smells today" (that's a jab at Tom Lucero, who is possibly the dumbest regent in the tool shed that is the Board of Regents.)

Off the subject, slightly: has anybody seen the Board of Regents' official group photo? Fantastic smiles, as if university were not, in fact, imploding before their uncomprehending eyes (I think they were all very stoned during the photo session, and may have been struggling with various effects of the drugs. Lucero suffers from confusion, while to his right, Pat Hayes is paralyzed with imagined fear. The rest are dazed, yet content; except for Paul Schauer, who I'm betting burst into laughter a split-second after the flash popped.)

See for yourself...: The Regenturds

In conclusion: as president, I couldn't possibly harm the institution further.

But in truth, I am not qualified to fix the incredible mess the Board of Regents has allowed to develop beneath its watchful, yet passive eyes.
To fill the position, they want a strong leader who can rally the students, faculty and public; who knows the state; who has an original vision; and who is "Superwoman" (note to Regent Gail Schwartz: There hasn't been a successful "Superwoman" character yet. Supergirl is about as good as it gets, in a "super-character" sense.)

Seems to me they need a powerful dictator to straighten things out -- a real Saddam Hussein of higher education. A guy (or supergal) with little tolerance for any bull-Shiite.
His (or her) first task? Genocide.
I realize it's an ugly sentiment, but come on... what's it going to take to clean up that campus of fools?