Monday, March 14, 2005

I’ve been watching the boy secretly, in order to more accurately catalogue his flaws.

For weeks, his teachers have been sending home little notes -- frantically scribbled tattle-tales warning me my son’s classroom behavior has grown exponentially worse, gorging on itself, so to speak, to the point that he’s likely to become a danger to both himself and his classmates if I don’t intervene. 

Most came from Mrs. Scranton, a woman whose judgment I do not respect. She has, in my opinion, been unable to keep the emotional shrapnel from her exploding marriage out of the classroom. Naturally, I ignored those allegations. 

But when others like the gym teacher who formerly played tackle for the now-defunct Orlando Rage began expressing similar damning concerns, I thought it was time I take action against my 9-year-old son. I’m currently gathering intelligence. 

It started last Tuesday:

 -- I called in sick as soon as the boy closed the living room door behind him, then I fled out the back in order to tail him. For an entire block, he followed the sidewalk like the little toe-headed cherub his mother and I believed him to be, dragging his coat, with his blue pack over one small shoulder -- while I navigated a row of small backyards, cursing each six-foot privacy fence that hindered my progress. It seemed important at the time that I maintain a safe distance, mostly to ensure I was getting a true reading on his behavior, but also to preserve the delicate trust the boy and I share. 

-- I immediately noticed a transformation once we turned the corner at Bannock and Kenyon. 

His first destructive act was to repeatedly kick the neighbor’s chain link fence until the man’s two slick-haired Rottweilers had worked themselves into a terrifying frenzy of vicious barking and growling. The boy paused for a moment and quietly cursed, then resumed his kicking. I couldn't hear what he said, but the animals threw themselves at the metal fencing, biting the links with the maddening intention of eviscerating their tormentor. 

The noise was hideous, and I think the dogs had started to injure themselves. I also worried the fence would give. Even from my hidden vantage point across the street, I felt unsafe. The boy stopped only when the dogs wore themselves out, curling up on the oil-soaked dirt in a distant corner of the yard. Others in the neighborhood granted that yard a wide berth, as the dogs and their inbred owner were infamous terrors. Not the boy. 

-- Two blocks later, I was surprised when he picked up a handful of ping-pong-ball-sized landscaping stones and threw them one-by-one at late-model cars as they whizzed down the southbound lanes of Broadway. 

On the ballfield, the boy is hopeless, but with rocks, he’s surprisingly strong and as accurate as a Palestinian teenager in the streets of Hebron. 

I must admit I enjoyed watching the commuters wince or frown when they heard the unpleasant clank of the rocks against their highly buffed fenders. For a moment, seeing the boy actually doing something well spawned inside me a small, shameful pride that had almost no hope of enduring. 

-- The boy later set fire to something – by the way it moved, it likely was a cat or some other small creature. Maybe a rabbit. At that point, I had fallen too far behind to see exactly what. 

Not that it mattered. He had crossed a line.  Burning animals -- even a cat -- was considered unusual, pointless, and for some observers, probably cruel. Whatever the poor creature was, it finally collapsed in a noisome, smoldering heap at the doorstep of a nearby house, possibly the home of its owner. 

I wrote a note detailing what had happened, but thankfully realized in time that a note like that might be taken the wrong way. 

No. I tore the note to pieces.  The boy must be forced to apologize in person, perhaps after school.

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