The Ten Commandments, and their exact opposites

You'd think that a quick Google of The Ten Commandments would instantly yield said commandments, with extensive commentary on their benefits, including cogent arguments against violating them.

But you'd be wrong.

I invite you to check for yourself. In Google, type "The Ten Commandments" (without quotes) and please, e-mail me your results.

Here's what I found:

1) What does God want from us? Should we keep the Ten Commandments?

Excerpts:

"What does it mean to love God 'with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind?' How do we do this? Well, when we say that someone loves money we understand that money is very important to them. They desire to have money and they seek to obtain it. Money is an important part of their lives. To love God is much the same."

[God is like money]

"You may heard [sic] that Jesus came to do away with the commandments, or to "nail the commandments to the cross." Don't believe it! Consider these words from Jesus: 'And, behold, one came and said unto him, Good Master, what good thing shall I do, that I may have eternal life? 17. And he said unto him, Why callest thou me good? there is none good but one, that is, God: but if thou wilt enter into life, keep the commandments. 18. He saith unto him, Which? Jesus said, Thou shalt do no murder, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness, 19. Honour thy father and thy mother: and, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. (Matthew 19:16-19)"

[The narrator struggles with grammar, or maybe suffers from keyboard typos; and Jesus referred to himself in the third person, recalling only seven of the ten commandments.]

2) A company offering inspirational posters in varying sizes, starting at $2.99

3) A compilation of newspaper articles detailing the fracus over ten-commandment monuments in U.S. courthouses.

4) A Canadian website with the following caveat: We do not promote our own religious beliefs. We can't because we are a multi-faith group. We try to explain the full diversity of religious belief in North America, from Asatru to Zoroastrianism, including Christianity, Hinduism, Wicca, Universism, and others.

5) This site -- operated by a non-denominational bible-based church in Rawlins, Wyoming -- which (finally) sorts this mess out.

So here the commandments are, according to www.therain.org. I've taken the liberty to include their opposites as well, in hopes of avoiding confusion.

1) Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
Anticommandment: thou shall have thousands of gods before me, and after me, and over me, and under me. In fact, thou shalt not have me as a god at all...

2) Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image. (this seems to be a double-negative, but then again, maybe it's not. It's hard to tell, but I'll do my best)
Anticommandment: Thou SHALL make unto thee MANY graven images, especially ones made from wood or stone

3) Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain.
Anticommandment: In the presence of the LORD thy God, thou most certainly shalt cuss like a clap-smacked sailor in Southeast Asia. And thou shall blame the LORD thy God for the burning in thy loins.

4) Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy.
Anticommandment: Fuck like a whore on Saturday, cussing the LORD thy God's name the whole time thusly: Oh GOD! OHH GOD! OHHH GOD!

5) Honor thy father and thy mother.
Anticommandment: Steal thy parents' car and drive it to thy girlfriend's abode, fuck her in her parents' bed, crash the car into thy neighbor's tree while driving home

6) Thou shalt not kill.
Anticommandment: Kill, kill, kill, especially the Muslims and Pagans

7) Thou shalt not commit adultery.
Anticommandment: Oh yes, thou shalt!

8) Thou shalt not steal.
Anticommandment: Whatever...

9) Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.
Anticommandment: Thou shalt secretly witness thy neighbors have sex, then claim thou didn't.

10) Thou shalt not covet anything that is thy neighbour's.
Anticommandment: Thou shalt covet thy neighbour's buttocks above thy life.