An open letter to Sufjan Stevens, and to his zombie fans at the Bluebird Theater Friday night

Mr. Stevens,

Thanks for bringing your light-hearted, melodic and intriguing show to Denver. Although your music was very quiet, I heard every note, every one of your soft sighs, your musicians' tiniest mistakes, and even some of the performers' banter usually reserved for the folks on stage.

Under normal circumstances, those sounds would be inaudible. But Friday night at the Bluebird wasn't a normal circumstance, or at least I hope it wasn't. I hope for your sake that people in other venues display a little emotion, and if not dance, at least sway side-to-side or nod their heads to the beat. Maybe your shows in Chicago produce more reaction since those people are likely thrilled you're writing songs about their city. They never stop raving about the place anyway.

I know some shows can get a little scary, especially during moments of mass insanity when the crowd surges toward the stage and you feel like your life and the lives of everyone in the venue are protected only by the forethought of a few powerful people: the concert promoter, the road manager, the security workers, the architect who designed the theater, the engineer who approved the plans, the city safety inspectors who checked all their work, and the emergency workers who rush to everyone's aid when things go terribly wrong.

But your show Friday night was scary for other reasons.

First, it is marvelously unnerving to stand in such close proximity to so many silent people. It's hard to find reasonable comparisons, but libraries, funerals and church services immediately come to mind, even though such similes have been rendered trite with overuse.

Second, your music so mesmerized the audience that I fear not a single member was capable of fleeing the building in the event of a large fire. Hundreds could have died, the lot of carcasses charred to a creepy vestige of the mind-numbingly silent crowd they once comprised -- kind of like those thousands of terra-cotta warrior statues discovered buried in China, only memorialized by fire rather than earth.

Thankfully, that didn't happen.

You remarked on the phenomenon yourself -- that we were a very quiet and attentive audience. It was a kind thing to say, but I think you missed the point. We are actually too cool. We've seen it all before. We simply refuse to get worked up in any way -- no matter how good the music, how well-matched the outfits, or how pretty the female musicians.

Please don't be concerned. We are merely Denverites who don't know joy and who couldn't express it even if we encountered it.

Maybe you could do a little song about us someday.

Regards,

Jk.


To the music lovers at the Bluebird Theater that night:

I'm not angry with you, but I'm very disappointed. First of all, Sufjan's show wasn't so impressive as to steal your voices away (It seemed little quiet to me, and perhaps even a little slow. Maybe it was the altitude, which has affected visiting performers and athletes in the past.) But the show wasn't boring, either. (The ladies were pretty, and Sufjan's not bad looking, either.) In fact, it really wasn't a bad show at all, and none of you left in disgust; further proving my point that you actually enjoyed the show, but were incapable of showing it. Even the Irish construction worker who complained he was tired because awoke at 5 a.m. that day stayed for the duration.

But all of you just stood there, motionless and silent, like extremely cool people who had seen it all before and who refuse to get worked up over some traveling band of easy-going musicians in matching outfits. You glared when I danced, or spoke, or yelled loudly between songs "You could at least move your heads a little!"

You glared when I did anything at all other than cross my arms on my chest and stare silently at the stage alongside you.

In conclusion, you were simply the worst audience I've ever been a part of in my life, except maybe for the ones at Steve Earle shows in Boulder where everyone sits quietly in their chairs and shushes everyone else. Those are pretty bad, even for liberals.


Regards,

Jk.