No!!!
Damn you, I said NOOO!!!
Awwg... It's such a crushing defeat every year, the end of Daylight Savings Time. Fading, fading, gone is the joy of summer.
Fuck.
BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE...
If you could name one good thing George W. Bush has done during his presidency, it would be signing the Energy Policy Act of 2005. The act amends the Uniform Time Act of 1966 and, starting in 2007, will extend Daylight Savings Time by four weeks each year. Soon, we will bask in summer's glow until the first Sunday in November, rather than the last Sunday in October.
I like the way you think, Mr. President. What other good stuff is in the act? Let's see (moisten tip of thumb; turn pages to bill's table of contents):
1) Subsidizes U.S. energy companies... Check.
2) Subsidizes Texas energy companies in particular... Check.
3) Has no effect on rising oil prices... Check.
4) Leaves no lobbyist behind, according to Sen. John McCain... Check.
5) Does not allow drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve... Hey, wait a minute here. What's all this about not drilling in Alaska?
Well, at least we get more sunlight in the evenings.
Friday, October 28, 2005
And now, some punditry
I. Lewis Libby, cut down at the knees, bleeding from the mouth and left for dead! A goner, yes?
Karl Rove, the crosshairs hovering over his temple, nervously awaits his political assassination!
But do they face any real danger? No.
Is the presidency in jeopardy? Not likely.
These two guys did their jobs -- they insulated their political bosses from attack. Libby and Rove are taking one for the team, and they're doing it in style. What, you think they're gonna go to jail? Could this country really tolerate something like that? The highest advisors to the president and vice president as convicted felons? Could the United States ever command respect in the world again?
They will be rewarded, because they're national fucking heroes. Would any board of directors hesitate for a second to hire either of them to lead their global military contracting company? Think about it. Hell, I'd even hire one of them to manage my life for 12 months, if I could afford it. Think of how well off I'd be!
Years from now, when all is said and done, Libby and Rove will be relaxing in large leather chairs alongside the former Prez, his dad, the former Vice Prez and anyone else they care to associate with, content with the success of their tenure. Smokin' cigars and slappin' backs. They successfully changed direction of the national ship. Fuckin' A. Fuckin' B., too.
So, maybe we're doomed as a result. But then again, maybe not.
Gotta give them credit for their effort, even if you don't like it; and if you can't recognize their impact, you're a pussy.
Well then, what's really going on here? Nothing, except that this second-term presidency is unraveling like they all do. Not too big a deal. In the end, they all become ex-presidents. It's the law.
I wouldn't be surprised if there isn't a secret club on some warm, forgotten island where Bush, Bush, Clinton, Carter (Ford -- is he still alive?) and all their aides gather every quarter for some major debauchery, including endless pranks involving the ambushing and de-pantsing of each others' vice presidents. Man, that would be fun.
Anyway, all's well in the country, far as we can tell, because it's fucking impossible for one man to manage a representative government for an extended length of time. On deck, a Democrat possibly. God only knows how he'll fuck it up (and it will be a he, mark my words.) But he'll move on, too. Then the next one... until the empire collapses. And there ain't a damn thing any president's gonna be able to do to stop that.
There you have it.
Karl Rove, the crosshairs hovering over his temple, nervously awaits his political assassination!
But do they face any real danger? No.
Is the presidency in jeopardy? Not likely.
These two guys did their jobs -- they insulated their political bosses from attack. Libby and Rove are taking one for the team, and they're doing it in style. What, you think they're gonna go to jail? Could this country really tolerate something like that? The highest advisors to the president and vice president as convicted felons? Could the United States ever command respect in the world again?
They will be rewarded, because they're national fucking heroes. Would any board of directors hesitate for a second to hire either of them to lead their global military contracting company? Think about it. Hell, I'd even hire one of them to manage my life for 12 months, if I could afford it. Think of how well off I'd be!
Years from now, when all is said and done, Libby and Rove will be relaxing in large leather chairs alongside the former Prez, his dad, the former Vice Prez and anyone else they care to associate with, content with the success of their tenure. Smokin' cigars and slappin' backs. They successfully changed direction of the national ship. Fuckin' A. Fuckin' B., too.
So, maybe we're doomed as a result. But then again, maybe not.
Gotta give them credit for their effort, even if you don't like it; and if you can't recognize their impact, you're a pussy.
Well then, what's really going on here? Nothing, except that this second-term presidency is unraveling like they all do. Not too big a deal. In the end, they all become ex-presidents. It's the law.
I wouldn't be surprised if there isn't a secret club on some warm, forgotten island where Bush, Bush, Clinton, Carter (Ford -- is he still alive?) and all their aides gather every quarter for some major debauchery, including endless pranks involving the ambushing and de-pantsing of each others' vice presidents. Man, that would be fun.
Anyway, all's well in the country, far as we can tell, because it's fucking impossible for one man to manage a representative government for an extended length of time. On deck, a Democrat possibly. God only knows how he'll fuck it up (and it will be a he, mark my words.) But he'll move on, too. Then the next one... until the empire collapses. And there ain't a damn thing any president's gonna be able to do to stop that.
There you have it.
It's time for a manifesto
We fully intend to bring the republic to its knees by forgoing the foreign-made trinkets and gadgets that this psychotic capitalist nation collects daily by the millions of tons.
We reject features like powered antennae and rear-view-mirror-mounted digital temperature gauges. We replace them with home-grown, stovetop-canned jalapenos, suits handmade from paper and sidewalks built of recycled brick and mortar.
We view Christmas as an American hell that threatens everything we hold dear -- things like Halloween, Thanksgiving, New Years Eve and our sound financial footing.
We eschew foolish offers, sidewalk sales, coupons and clearances in favor of not buying the crap nobody else wants. Furthermore, we do not accept the "throwaway market" that supplies us with keychain flashlights, fancy-but-not-too-fancy logo-embellished pens in unnecessarily large jewelry boxes, or free large-sized tee-shirts with corporate slogans.
We ignore the hype of the marketplace; preferring the tranquility of a home void of burdensome bullshit that we don't need, can't use and in reality don't even want.
We recognize technology for what it is -- machinery that eases the burden of the industrial age, not a tool to isolate us from our brothers and sisters. Meanwhile, we recognize the intrinsic value of a used Atari 2600 with two paddles, two joysticks and all the video game cartriges that can fit into a medium-sized cardboard box -- especially Pong. We recognize and appreciate the many levels of meaning that accompany the term "joystick."
Finally, we declare red lights as the signal to GO forward with this as-yet-unnamed revolution. Did Che stop for red lights? We doubt it.
We reject features like powered antennae and rear-view-mirror-mounted digital temperature gauges. We replace them with home-grown, stovetop-canned jalapenos, suits handmade from paper and sidewalks built of recycled brick and mortar.
We view Christmas as an American hell that threatens everything we hold dear -- things like Halloween, Thanksgiving, New Years Eve and our sound financial footing.
We eschew foolish offers, sidewalk sales, coupons and clearances in favor of not buying the crap nobody else wants. Furthermore, we do not accept the "throwaway market" that supplies us with keychain flashlights, fancy-but-not-too-fancy logo-embellished pens in unnecessarily large jewelry boxes, or free large-sized tee-shirts with corporate slogans.
We ignore the hype of the marketplace; preferring the tranquility of a home void of burdensome bullshit that we don't need, can't use and in reality don't even want.
We recognize technology for what it is -- machinery that eases the burden of the industrial age, not a tool to isolate us from our brothers and sisters. Meanwhile, we recognize the intrinsic value of a used Atari 2600 with two paddles, two joysticks and all the video game cartriges that can fit into a medium-sized cardboard box -- especially Pong. We recognize and appreciate the many levels of meaning that accompany the term "joystick."
Finally, we declare red lights as the signal to GO forward with this as-yet-unnamed revolution. Did Che stop for red lights? We doubt it.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Is 50 years of Rock & Roll enough?
If I were an English 102 student confronted with the task of writing his final 20-page research paper (and possibly the last large writing project of his life) I would consider this theme:
Rock, Roll and Pop: Sick, Dying or Dead?
I would attack the issue not from the touchy-feely, ill-defined bullshit of a music critic, but from an academic, historical perspective the likes of which would tickle the erudite fancy of my professor.
My position: that Rock & Roll's time is up. Not because it sucks, not because it's boring; but because it's simply time for something new. The evidence would speak for itself, and my writing acumen -- even at such a young age -- would send my point sailing home with no questions left unanswered.
The arguments would highlight the historical patterns of western music development, specifically the length of time each genre or musical period maintained its dominance in western society. I would point out that Rock & Roll has so far survived about as long as the Classic period during which Mozart thrived and that it has dominated longer than did jazz, blues or country western. I would also mention that although the longest-lasting music period in recorded history spanned 143 years, it was fueled by the cultural, spiritual, scientific and social reawakening of the western mind during the Renaissance; and I would express doubt that a reawakening of similar magnitude had ever occurred during the past 50 years.
I would argue that technical advances have accelerated social turnover, and that 50 years today feels much like 140 years did in the 15th and 16th centuries.
Finally, I would include details on how modern Rock & Roll artists are eating their elderly to sustain their moment in the spotlight. How they mine the past for fresh-sounding music -- culling ideas from the greatest musicians and songwriters of '50s, '60s, '70s and '80s. I would add that many artists look beyond the limits of pop music to infuse life into their songs, thereby diluting -- and narrow-minded types might even call it tainting -- the bloodline of Rock & Roll.
To bolster my point, this 2003 article in LA City Beat would serve as a reference. And to provide balance, I would reference this review of a book by English professor Kevin J. H. Dettmar, who argues that Rock & Roll doesn't die, but reinvents itself. His ideas would be well-refuted and his physical appearance mocked.
A timeline of musical history would be prominently displayed and it would demonstrate:
1) The Baroque period, the paternal twin of the Renaissance, lasted 143 years. The period brought us secular music and harmonized melody.
2) The Classic period, exemplified by the boy-man genius-prodigy Wolfgang Mozart, blew past us in a scant 53 years.
3) Ragtime is born in 1876.
4) Edison invented the phonograph in 1878.
5) The Romantic period -- which included the likes of Beethoven, Tchaikovsky, Strauss and Debussy -- lasted only 90 years, and ended in 1910 (a mere 44 years before Rock & Roll hit the scene!)
5) The first jazz record recorded in 1917. Forty-one years later, John Coltrane ushers in jazz's "New Wave."
6) Bessie Smith bangs out the blues hit "Down Hearted Blues" in 1923.
7) Electric guitar invented in 1934. A year later, Glen Miller debuts in New York City.
8) Bing Crosby sings White Christmas in 1942. America loves it.
9) LP record format invented.
10) The first known usage of the term Rock & Roll in 1951. Elvis Presley three years later.
11) Fifty-four years of Rock, Roll and Pop followed. And although various offshoots and forms evolved during that time -- some more successful than others -- Rock & Roll and pop music, fueled by advanced technology, marketing and distribution efficiencies never before seen on this planet, evolved rapidly but just as rapidly depleted the resources of its genre.
I would conclude that Rock, Roll and pop will survive in a gradually weakening state only as long as the members of this generation survive. It will then occupy large shelves in college libraries so that future music students can study the evolution of the art, safely protected from Rock's fury by a wide generation gap.
And my research paper would receive an "A."
Rock, Roll and Pop: Sick, Dying or Dead?
I would attack the issue not from the touchy-feely, ill-defined bullshit of a music critic, but from an academic, historical perspective the likes of which would tickle the erudite fancy of my professor.
My position: that Rock & Roll's time is up. Not because it sucks, not because it's boring; but because it's simply time for something new. The evidence would speak for itself, and my writing acumen -- even at such a young age -- would send my point sailing home with no questions left unanswered.
The arguments would highlight the historical patterns of western music development, specifically the length of time each genre or musical period maintained its dominance in western society. I would point out that Rock & Roll has so far survived about as long as the Classic period during which Mozart thrived and that it has dominated longer than did jazz, blues or country western. I would also mention that although the longest-lasting music period in recorded history spanned 143 years, it was fueled by the cultural, spiritual, scientific and social reawakening of the western mind during the Renaissance; and I would express doubt that a reawakening of similar magnitude had ever occurred during the past 50 years.
I would argue that technical advances have accelerated social turnover, and that 50 years today feels much like 140 years did in the 15th and 16th centuries.
Finally, I would include details on how modern Rock & Roll artists are eating their elderly to sustain their moment in the spotlight. How they mine the past for fresh-sounding music -- culling ideas from the greatest musicians and songwriters of '50s, '60s, '70s and '80s. I would add that many artists look beyond the limits of pop music to infuse life into their songs, thereby diluting -- and narrow-minded types might even call it tainting -- the bloodline of Rock & Roll.
To bolster my point, this 2003 article in LA City Beat would serve as a reference. And to provide balance, I would reference this review of a book by English professor Kevin J. H. Dettmar, who argues that Rock & Roll doesn't die, but reinvents itself. His ideas would be well-refuted and his physical appearance mocked.
A timeline of musical history would be prominently displayed and it would demonstrate:
1) The Baroque period, the paternal twin of the Renaissance, lasted 143 years. The period brought us secular music and harmonized melody.
2) The Classic period, exemplified by the boy-man genius-prodigy Wolfgang Mozart, blew past us in a scant 53 years.
3) Ragtime is born in 1876.
4) Edison invented the phonograph in 1878.
5) The Romantic period -- which included the likes of Beethoven, Tchaikovsky, Strauss and Debussy -- lasted only 90 years, and ended in 1910 (a mere 44 years before Rock & Roll hit the scene!)
5) The first jazz record recorded in 1917. Forty-one years later, John Coltrane ushers in jazz's "New Wave."
6) Bessie Smith bangs out the blues hit "Down Hearted Blues" in 1923.
7) Electric guitar invented in 1934. A year later, Glen Miller debuts in New York City.
8) Bing Crosby sings White Christmas in 1942. America loves it.
9) LP record format invented.
10) The first known usage of the term Rock & Roll in 1951. Elvis Presley three years later.
11) Fifty-four years of Rock, Roll and Pop followed. And although various offshoots and forms evolved during that time -- some more successful than others -- Rock & Roll and pop music, fueled by advanced technology, marketing and distribution efficiencies never before seen on this planet, evolved rapidly but just as rapidly depleted the resources of its genre.
I would conclude that Rock, Roll and pop will survive in a gradually weakening state only as long as the members of this generation survive. It will then occupy large shelves in college libraries so that future music students can study the evolution of the art, safely protected from Rock's fury by a wide generation gap.
And my research paper would receive an "A."
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Under-employed and loving it
Maybe we're not doing so badly.
The other night, I heard one friend chortle with envy when he heard that another owed about $10,000 in credit-card debt. And boy, did he chortle -- like a fucking chortle monster leashed to a fire hydrant during a rainstorm. (Chortle monsters fear water...)
Seems he would LOVE to have $10,000 in credit-card debt, as his current debt apparently exceeds that amount many times over. His minimum payments are enormous, he explained.
The remark didn't sink in immediately, however, during the past 24 hours, it has: What he was saying in not so many words is that he has tens of thousands of dollars in credit card debt.
For what?
Children's braces? Plastic surgery? New car on the credit card?
Tens of thousands of dollars in spur-of-the-moment purchases?
Tens of thousands of dollars in happy-hour drinks?
Tens of thousands of dollars in home electronics?
Matching furniture sets?
Christmas gifts?
Snow tires?
Clean sheets?
Airplane tickets?
Online porn?
Groceries?
Rent?
Ammunition?
Fuck me.
I had almost forgotten that I cut my cards into pieces years ago. Now I remember why I did it. My schizophrenic alter ego -- the one with all the common sense and discipline -- took charge, kept me from hurting myself.
Jesus, I love that guy...
The other night, I heard one friend chortle with envy when he heard that another owed about $10,000 in credit-card debt. And boy, did he chortle -- like a fucking chortle monster leashed to a fire hydrant during a rainstorm. (Chortle monsters fear water...)
Seems he would LOVE to have $10,000 in credit-card debt, as his current debt apparently exceeds that amount many times over. His minimum payments are enormous, he explained.
The remark didn't sink in immediately, however, during the past 24 hours, it has: What he was saying in not so many words is that he has tens of thousands of dollars in credit card debt.
For what?
Children's braces? Plastic surgery? New car on the credit card?
Tens of thousands of dollars in spur-of-the-moment purchases?
Tens of thousands of dollars in happy-hour drinks?
Tens of thousands of dollars in home electronics?
Matching furniture sets?
Christmas gifts?
Snow tires?
Clean sheets?
Airplane tickets?
Online porn?
Groceries?
Rent?
Ammunition?
Fuck me.
I had almost forgotten that I cut my cards into pieces years ago. Now I remember why I did it. My schizophrenic alter ego -- the one with all the common sense and discipline -- took charge, kept me from hurting myself.
Jesus, I love that guy...
Monday, October 17, 2005
Dreamy Monday
Welcome to the new American Motors Range Hand 1000: The logical "next step" for vehicles of utility and sport.
Do you take large bites? Do you crave what the 1,000 has to offer? Follow these steps to find out:
1) Evaluate whether you really need a large truck like the Range Hand 1000. Many customers find that they have little use for a truck at all since they barely have the will and strength to climb into its 62-inch-high driver's seat each morning. Furthermore, many of our customers haven't done a full day's manual labor in the past ten years.
2) Calculate the largest gasoline bill you've ever paid, and then double it.
3) Balance your need to stroke your own ego against your need to accelerate up a mountain pass while towing a 5,000-pound speed boat. Many customers don't even own a speed boat, and often it's those customers who find they've wasted their money on the Ranger Hand's optional towing package.
4) Ask yourself, "What function do dual rear wheels really serve?" If you can't answer that question, or if you have to think about it, it's unlikely you would truly appreciate their special qualities.
5) Determine whether the SuperMax Diesel is really a good fit for your lifestyle. You likely need the SuperMax Diesel if you regularly transport farm equipment on flatbed trailers, operate your vehicle on open road in a long-haul capacity, or use your vehicle to pull tree trunks from the earth. Conversely, if you simply drive your vehicle from your garage to the parking garage at the office, you might enjoy the award-winning "Rainbows of Judy" edition Range Hand 1000.
6) Are you willing to throw yourself from a moving vehicle? Some drivers find the Ranger Hand's occasional braking anomalies and listless "country-road" steering discomforting.
There are no right or wrong answers. Could be you're not a perfect fit for the world of utility sport, but don't worry -- you likely need the American Motors Range Hand 1000 most of all. In fact, you just might need two.
Do you take large bites? Do you crave what the 1,000 has to offer? Follow these steps to find out:
1) Evaluate whether you really need a large truck like the Range Hand 1000. Many customers find that they have little use for a truck at all since they barely have the will and strength to climb into its 62-inch-high driver's seat each morning. Furthermore, many of our customers haven't done a full day's manual labor in the past ten years.
2) Calculate the largest gasoline bill you've ever paid, and then double it.
3) Balance your need to stroke your own ego against your need to accelerate up a mountain pass while towing a 5,000-pound speed boat. Many customers don't even own a speed boat, and often it's those customers who find they've wasted their money on the Ranger Hand's optional towing package.
4) Ask yourself, "What function do dual rear wheels really serve?" If you can't answer that question, or if you have to think about it, it's unlikely you would truly appreciate their special qualities.
5) Determine whether the SuperMax Diesel is really a good fit for your lifestyle. You likely need the SuperMax Diesel if you regularly transport farm equipment on flatbed trailers, operate your vehicle on open road in a long-haul capacity, or use your vehicle to pull tree trunks from the earth. Conversely, if you simply drive your vehicle from your garage to the parking garage at the office, you might enjoy the award-winning "Rainbows of Judy" edition Range Hand 1000.
6) Are you willing to throw yourself from a moving vehicle? Some drivers find the Ranger Hand's occasional braking anomalies and listless "country-road" steering discomforting.
There are no right or wrong answers. Could be you're not a perfect fit for the world of utility sport, but don't worry -- you likely need the American Motors Range Hand 1000 most of all. In fact, you just might need two.
Monday, October 10, 2005
Satan: savior or pimp?
You might not have known it, but BENEATH HALLOWEEN'S CANDY COATING IS A HISTORY OF DIABOLICAL EVIL!
Seems clear that Samhain (in any form -- summer's end or lord of death) wants to eat your babies; but if you think that's scary, imagine what those punk-ass Muslims have in store. Jesus Christ... They don't have a chance.
I'm going on the record here: christians give me the creeps. And here's why:
1) Christians love peace, but constantly seek war. They are surrounded by enemies.
2) Christians don't trust themselves.
3) Christians prey on the weak.
Don't get me started on christians, 'cuz their message has failed me. I love you, Mr. and Mrs. Christian, but you're a couple of fools.
By the way, Satan, you can suck it, too; but I'll never give up on Halloween -- it costs much less than Christmas.
Seems clear that Samhain (in any form -- summer's end or lord of death) wants to eat your babies; but if you think that's scary, imagine what those punk-ass Muslims have in store. Jesus Christ... They don't have a chance.
I'm going on the record here: christians give me the creeps. And here's why:
1) Christians love peace, but constantly seek war. They are surrounded by enemies.
2) Christians don't trust themselves.
3) Christians prey on the weak.
Don't get me started on christians, 'cuz their message has failed me. I love you, Mr. and Mrs. Christian, but you're a couple of fools.
By the way, Satan, you can suck it, too; but I'll never give up on Halloween -- it costs much less than Christmas.
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