Dangerous colonels in drag

...Burning Leopard to Drooping Snake, over...

...Drooping Snake, do you copy...?

...Burning Leopard, Drooping Snake, over...



[radio static]

"They're not responding, sir. I don't know why."

"Try again, soldier, but this time use different adjectives."

"What do you suggest?"

"I don't know. Anything. Just do it for christsakes!"

...Funky Leopard to Horrid Snake, over...

...Funky Leopard, Horrid Snake, over...

[static]

"Try different nouns, too."

...Dissonent Hyperbole to Deep Zenith, over...

...Dissonent Hyperbole, Deep Zenith, over...

[static...followed by clicking]

...Copy, Dissonent Hyperbole. This is Deep Zenith...

[static]

"Sir, we've made contact!"

"See? What'd I tell you?"

"What are your orders?"

"Attack... Kill... Destroy..."

"...no, wait a minute. Gimme the handset..."

[Labored breathing crackles over the airwaves, then a pause, filled only with ambient noise]

"I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. That's my dream. That's my nightmare..."

[In the background: "Sir, that's from a movie...]

"Shit, you're right."

[Radio static]

"Okay...[inaudible] ...

...you can't handle the truth!"

[Background: "That's a from a movie, too."]
[Heavy breathing briefly resumes amid the static]

"Fuck."

[More breathing. In the background, the soldier's voice: "Do you want me to do it?"]

"NO!"

[Rustling...inaudible...]

"Top Gun rules of engagement are written for your safety and for that of your team... They are not flexible, nor am I. Is that clear?"

[Static. In the background, likely the soldier: "Jesus Christ. Colonel, this is stupid..."]

[Repeated gunshots, followed by rustling, inaudible mumbling and microphone noise]

"Your days of fingerbanging Mary J. Rottencrotch through her pretty pink panties are over..."