Dear Collegues:
Every year, we strive to provide a warm, loving environment in which our executive leaders, associates, team members and employees can gather, unwind and get to know each other.
Unfortunately, we have been forced to cancel several events at our upcoming Holland & Hart, LLC Summer Gala for various reasons.
-- Sadly, the beloved 'Staff vs. Executives Mixed Martial Arts Smackdown' was cancelled this year because the company is still reeling from several abruptly vacated executive leadership positions after last years' event.
-- Also cancelled are the popular 'Dunk Your Manager' booth (due to a near fatal drowning incident caused by wildly thrown ball-peen hammer,) the 'Toss your Boss' booth (multiple head injuries, multiple years) and the Supervisors vs. Subordinates Pillow Fight (sharp objects were once again found in Subordinate pillows.)
-- We pulled from the Silent Auction the gift certificates for the Deluxe Steak Dinner due to complaints that the certificates were valid only on 'National Take Your Manager to Dinner Day.'
-- We apologize, but for insurance reasons we will be closing the open bar to all non-management positions.
-- We will also be closing the doors to the club house bar to prevent another 'Dialog of Riot' such as happened last year when Jenkins and the ruffians from Fleet Maintenance screamed debasing sexual commentary at the executive wives' bridge club (AKA 'The C-Sweets') and threw beer steins at the group as they fled, screaming, barefoot, tear-stained, and half-dressed down the plushly carpeted ballroom stairway.
-- Finally, bus service from the gala leaves promptly at 6:30 p.m. to allow time to hose down the roundabout and make room for incoming executive car service later in the evening. Employees found on the grounds after the final bus has departed will be conscripted into service as sex slaves and unpaid laborers during the Annual Executive Leadership Golf Retreat this fall.
As always, we look forward to the Summer Gala.
The Management.
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