A Frank Confession of a Fallen Information Technology Professional

Dear Sirs: 

 I am so sorry. 

I know I promised "I'd take care of everything," and I might have made some exaggerated statements implying that your company's failed e-mail system was "probably just a user error" or some "simple, bone-headed misconfiguration" that had idled the workforce for days, but I was clearly wrong. 

I've worked for 42 straight hours repairing your broken e-mail systems, and I'll be Goddamned why the errors just won't go away. Every command I typed generated another horrifying beep of failure from the poor machine's tiny little speakers! 

I still hear it -- the terrible digital reproach amid the endless hiss of all those whirring cooling fans: "Beep!" WRONG! "Beep, beep!" WRONG, AGAIN! "Beep, beep, beep!" YOU ARE A LOSER AND YOU ARE KILLING ME! 

I have failed... There, I said it. 

I'm a technical idiot. I'm the one who is broken. I'm weak and impotent and I apologize for all the frustration and heartache I've caused your workforce. 

It's clear to me now that all of the computer glitches, data corruption and unannounced network outages that you fine people have endured during my tenure as your IT Director were a DIRECT RESULT of my foolish, impetuous actions in the data center. I shouldn't be allowed near a typewriter, let alone a glorious network like the one yours used to be before I laid my clumsy hands on it. 

It has been a shock to realize that I've always found a way to blame you beautiful people for all of the untraceable technical problems I had created. There was always a mysterious "human anomaly" and you were all "stupid users" to me. I just couldn't understand why computer concepts were so hard for you to grasp ("It's very simple -- you have to import the data tables FIRST, AND THEN convert them into comma-delimited format before uploading the file to the server using the PROPER commands... SHEESH!") 

And I was so sensitive to criticism. You barely knew how to turn a computer off, and yet you dared offer your "hypothesis" on why your icons have all disappeared? 

I feel sick. 

I was so self-centered. I'm embarrassed running away like this, in the middle of the night, leaving you with nothing but a massive spaghetti-tangle of cables, two smoking file servers and a hand-scribbled note Scotch-taped to your front door. 

You deserve better from your network engineer. You're all fine workers who have been rendered useless for who knows how many days because of my ignorance, my ego and my technical hubris. You never doubted for a second that I would repair your failed e-mail system because I never gave you the chance. 

The truth is, the only thing I have mastered in my career is a large vocabulary of obfuscating acronyms like TCP/IP, SMTP and LDAP. You had no idea what I was talking about, and neither did I. 

As for your company's missing confidential accounting data -- it's just gone. I don't know what else to say. My tape backup solution was nothing more than a stack of cards and wishful thinking. It's like the data never even existed. 

What am I saying? For all practical purposes, it's like the ENTIRE COMPANY never existed! 

What a foolish ass I am! (teardrop stains smear the ink) 

So I'm leaving now, never to return. Please forgive me -- or better yet, forget we ever met. (teardrop) I wish I was never born. 

Shamefully, Wilson Dortmunder, MCSE, CCNA and B.S. in Computer Science, Metropolitan State Community College.