Lawyers you hope you'll never need

If this guy happens to be your attorney, you're in trouble.

He's Reid Weingarten, defender of America's executive thieves.

He just helped Enron chief accountant Richard Causey cut a sweet deal that entails ratting on his former collegues, spending seven years in jail and paying the government a $1.25 million fine. Hard to say how good a deal that is when you consider that the maximum penalty for securities fraud is 10 years in prison and a fine of $1 million followed by three years of probation. (And why is the government getting so freaking rich off this, I want to know?)

Weingarten's other big-name client, former WorldCom CEO Bernard Ebbers, must be as pleased as Causey: Weingarten's efforts landed him a 25-year prison sentence for orchestrating an $11 billion accounting fraud that toppled the telecommunications firm three years ago.

Sweet.

I can only hope these two guys were facing the guillotine or something before Weingarten stepped in, otherwise they didn't get their money's worth.

Keep up the good work, Reid.

W.T. Fuck?

Those Aussies really know how to party.

Are they beating the shit out of that guy with beer?

That's a party foul.

... Tried to contact my "Brudda from Anudda Hemisphere" to get the inside story, but he didn't respond. That makes me nervous. Being a foreigner himself, he's either dead from repeated beer bottle blows to the head, or -- just as likely since he's a white guy -- he's out there swinging his hockey stick into the unprotected flesh of some poor Syrian who decided to go surfing on the wrong fuckin' day...

... I suppose he could also be watching the T.V. in his underwear -- that's certainly possible, too.

And that prime minister John Howard really knows his damage control. I watched him last night, playin' like P. George Bush responding to the tough questions (shell shock!):

"Right! 'is 'er's whot Sydney's all about, right? Sheilas lyin' 'round ina sun wit' li'l clothes, see?"










Of course, he's rarely invited to parties that end with riot police and masterful baton play (ouch):

What a buzzkill... The cop's got the thousand-yard stare. Doesn't look like he's having fun.

... probably broke his night stick.

Pryor dies, and I shit you not: I subconsciously knew it was gonna happen!

Richard Pryor, 65, dies of a heart attack at 9 a.m. Mountain Standard Time -- just nine hours after me and the lady rent and watch the Richard Pryor: Live DVD! (The show was recorded in 1979).

Evidence supporting my conclusion that me and the lady can see into the future:

a) We never rent stand-up comedy.

b) As the brilliant comedian's body cooled to room temperature, me and the lady laughed like babies at his moving-and-speaking image, an image recorded 24 years earlier.

c) Not two months ago, me and the lady watched a documentary about Pryor.

d) During that viewing, we both said, "Is Richard Pryor still alive?" at the exact same instant! (or the at least me and the lady agree that it happened that way.)

e) Neither of us knew the answer.

The evidence speaks for itself; we can predict the deaths of comedians. I'm crappin' you negative...

-- The Editor, H. Strange Winterhalter

My God, death row doth make a man grow large!

Does this look like a guy who should be put to death?

Hard to say.

It's Stanley Tookie Williams, convicted murderer and the co-founder of the Crips street gang. He was also nominated for the Nobel Peace prize, although that's not quite as difficult as it sounds.

He's scheduled to die by lethal injection Dec. 13 unless he's granted pardon by Governor Arnold Swartz.... Schwarts... Swortsennjager... (fuck it, I can't spell his last name at the moment.)

[Thunderclap and flash of lightning] "Thy nightmares hath come true. Poison shalt course through thy veins until thou art dead!"

Anyway, here's what Williams says about the birth of the Crips in 1969:

"... we started out—at least my intent was to, in a sense, address all of the so-called neighboring gangs in the area and to... cleanse the neighborhood of all these, you know, marauding gangs. But I was totally wrong. And eventually, we morphed into the monster we were addressing."

[Thuderclap and the flash of lightning] "Gangs begat gangs until one day the mother-of-all gangs was begotten, and then: decades of street violence; and then: the Lord sayeth unto his men, 'Thou shalt pop caps in the asses of thine enemies! Thou shall strike blows in the names of security, honor and turf!'"

Williams and his supporters say he has made significant progress in reforming his gangbanging ways. He has apologized for starting the Crips in the first place. He has turned to peaceful, non-violent activity and has also written children's books that encourage readers to avoid gangs and violence.

But is that enough? Has he cut off an ear, burned apologies into his flesh, or otherwise flagellated his demonic body? Simply put, Has he atoned?

I don't know if Williams should be granted clemency. My gut feeling is "why not?", but it's not because I think Williams is the world's greatest redeemer. I just don't give a damn about capital punishment. I suppose I'd feel differently if someone I loved was murdered, but at the moment that's not the case.

[Thunderclap and lightning] "Thou shalt drive by the abodes of thine enemy, and thou shalt unleash a storm of lead into thine enemy's hearth. And thine enemy shalt be thee."

Writing about prostitutes

I'm talking about pornography, and this is how it works:
You watch, read, examine.
During the next few minutes, you grow increasingly insane with lust.
The madness overwhelms you, and you must beat off.
And that, my boy, is the moment when pornography loses its grip on your soul.
That, my boy, is the only way to beat titties and ass.

Poetry by Hugo Strange Winterhalter

The Tally of Good continues: Fighting negativity with the help of lists

Been a while since I've revisited my list of lovelies.
So here they are, the things I love:

1) Viva Burrito
2) Clean sheets
3) My house, my lady (and the sea... Yarr!)
4) The guitar.
5) Words
6) This book I'm reading, and the book I just finished
7) Art Bell, and freak jobs
8) Breaking the law
9) Revolutions
10) Having a job (for a time being, at least)