Hugo Strange Winterhalter, Esquire -- civilian, not-for-profit spy

Civilian observer, Hugo Strange Winterhalter, reporting his observances during a short walk today. These records come only from this observer's memory:

1) A woman, smoking a cigarette, driving a white Cadillac with a military entrance sticker affixed to the windshield.

2) An Arab-looking guy, driving a Metro taxi.

3) Followed by two black guys, one of them a kid with his head out the window, riding in a tan SUV.

4) A man or woman -- couldn't tell -- driving a silver car with a handicap tag hanging from the rear-view mirror.

5) A woman, whose face I couldn't see, driving a tan van with dark-tinted windows.

6) A woman, driving a yellow convertible.

7) Another woman -- this one dark-skinned, perhaps asian, kind of cute -- driving a tan car with the window rolled down.

8) A person with a dark-skinned arm -- couldn't see the face -- driving a turquoise-colored car -- maybe a Ford Tempo or something like that.

9) An old man with a red baseball cap, eyeglasses and a gray beard, driving a powder blue 70s or 80s- model American car -- maybe a Ford or Mercury.

11) Two Mexicans trimming branches from a tree at the entrance of a cemetery maintenance facility. One was thin, older, with a mustache, short hair. He looked like a Mexican movie star from the '20s. Very handsome.

12) On the highline trail: While studying a model of a sailing ship that was displayed in a high window of a condo (on either side were situated models of lighthouses) a man in a yellow shirt and red baseball cap rode by on his bicycle. He wore shorts of unknown color, green socks and brown shoes.

13) A woman on a bike, wearing a red and white helmet. She sported blue, opaque sun glasses and gray-blonde hair.

14) Two more Mexicans, tending to the lawn of a condominium complex. One was wearing a white, sleeveless shirt and brown pants. His overshirt (teal-blue) hung on a fence nearby. He operated a rake. The other wore a similar teal-blue short-sleeved shirt and denim, long shorts. He was raking leaves as well.

15) A woman who spoke to squirrels. She chattered and clicked into the trees. She was holding a bag of bread crumbs.

16) A gathering of old ladies, perhaps as many as five. A few of them had white poodles. They sat on benches, laughing and joking with each other.

17) A man in a white baseball cap, a dark long-sleeved shirt, and rather large sunglasses, riding his bike toward me. I believe he wore a fanny pack.

18) A older man, bald, but not totally bald, messing around with his car, closing the door, locking it. He wore a sleeveless, white shirt, sweat pants, and sandals. He spotted me, but I don't think he paid me any attention.

19) A woman with a large black dog -- Rotteweiller mix, maybe -- wearing a red skirt, and a shirt with horizontal stripes (red and white). She also wore a straw hat, sunglasses, and flat-footed slip-on shoes -- gray or tan in color -- possibly suede. She appeared afraid, which could explain the large dog.

20) A couple, holding hands and walking away from me. They walked a small, white dog -- goofy looking, the kind with a squished face. The man was tall, wore a blue T-shirt, tucked smartly into his jeans, which were lashed to his frame with a no-nonsense brown leather belt. Unfortunately, he also wore white tennis shoes, which in this observer's opinion is a fashion error -- tennis shoes are for tennis and tennis only. He held in his right hand the left hand of his lover, a woman in a large white T-shirt and blue, long shorts. She had a fat ass, but that's certainly not her fault. She had long blond hair and wore Birkenstock-style sandals. They turned off the trail into the parking lot of a condominium complex.

21) Where, TWO MORE Mexicans were tending to the lawns. One wore a red T-shirt, the other a brown or tan one. Both wore orange ear plugs. They quickly disappeared behind a garage.

22) Down the way a few more paces, another Mexican rode a mower. He wore a light-green, long-sleeved shirt, a straw hat and sunglasses. Also, he wore ear plugs. This observer spotted a forth Mexican around the corner of the building, using either a push mower or perhaps a weed-whacker. This forth Mexican was partially obstructed by foliage, but he appeard to be wearing a dark T-shirt, jeans and a baseball cap.

23) On Dayton, a black man was spotted riding golf cart through the parking lot of another condominium complex. He wore a baseball cap. Strapped to the back of the cart was a short, stubby ladder. This observer could not keep up.

24) At the corner of Dayton and Mississippi, a large tractor of some sort was being parked by the driver -- couldn't see the driver.

25) In the intersection of Dayton and Mississippi, a blond woman with a long ponytail, dressed in an orange safety vest, was writing on a clip board. She wore a yellow T-shirt and jeans. She also wore boots. Were she not a tall, big-boned woman, she might have looked out of place. As it was, she fit right in.

26) A tall, thin, very dark-skinned black guy, wearing black pants and a black T-shirt, stood beneath the shade of a tree near a bus stop. He wore a baseball cap. Accompanying the man was a little girl, wearing a football jersey (Denver Broncos, number 24 -- Champ Bailey, defensive back with the Broncos since 2004, with Washington Redskins since his rookie year in 1999). The little girl was very cute, with two puffy pig tails on either side of her head. She was a little black girl.

[The man asked this observer if this observer knew if the busses were still running on this route. This observer said he didn't know, but that probably, yes, they were still running. This observer then thought maybe that was a stupid thing to suggest, since this observer actually did not know a damn thing about the bus routes in this area. This observer will not make that mistake again.]

27) A man in a large white T-shirt and green shorts, either unloading or loading his SUV in the parking lot of the Breakers condos. The man carried a laptop on his shoulder and at his feet was a traveling garment back. Both items were black. He was white.

28) On Mississippi, this observer noted the following westbound cars: A dark Ford SUV, A dark pickup truck with an Oakland Raiders sticker affixed to the lower right corner of the rear window, followed by another dark Ford SUV.

29) There were many other observances, but this observer has run out of time to describe them...

Consider this report FILED!

My worth, stated as the product of my weight and the price of gold

At current gold prices, my value is $1,355,768.70.

The Dukes of High Orbit

(Dixie theme song, sounded from a trucker's airhorn)

Yeeeeeeeeee Hawwwwwwww!

A Frank Confession of a Fallen Information Technology Professional

Dear Sirs: 

 I am so sorry. 

I know I promised "I'd take care of everything," and I might have made some exaggerated statements implying that your company's failed e-mail system was "probably just a user error" or some "simple, bone-headed misconfiguration" that had idled the workforce for days, but I was clearly wrong. 

I've worked for 42 straight hours repairing your broken e-mail systems, and I'll be Goddamned why the errors just won't go away. Every command I typed generated another horrifying beep of failure from the poor machine's tiny little speakers! 

I still hear it -- the terrible digital reproach amid the endless hiss of all those whirring cooling fans: "Beep!" WRONG! "Beep, beep!" WRONG, AGAIN! "Beep, beep, beep!" YOU ARE A LOSER AND YOU ARE KILLING ME! 

I have failed... There, I said it. 

I'm a technical idiot. I'm the one who is broken. I'm weak and impotent and I apologize for all the frustration and heartache I've caused your workforce. 

It's clear to me now that all of the computer glitches, data corruption and unannounced network outages that you fine people have endured during my tenure as your IT Director were a DIRECT RESULT of my foolish, impetuous actions in the data center. I shouldn't be allowed near a typewriter, let alone a glorious network like the one yours used to be before I laid my clumsy hands on it. 

It has been a shock to realize that I've always found a way to blame you beautiful people for all of the untraceable technical problems I had created. There was always a mysterious "human anomaly" and you were all "stupid users" to me. I just couldn't understand why computer concepts were so hard for you to grasp ("It's very simple -- you have to import the data tables FIRST, AND THEN convert them into comma-delimited format before uploading the file to the server using the PROPER commands... SHEESH!") 

And I was so sensitive to criticism. You barely knew how to turn a computer off, and yet you dared offer your "hypothesis" on why your icons have all disappeared? 

I feel sick. 

I was so self-centered. I'm embarrassed running away like this, in the middle of the night, leaving you with nothing but a massive spaghetti-tangle of cables, two smoking file servers and a hand-scribbled note Scotch-taped to your front door. 

You deserve better from your network engineer. You're all fine workers who have been rendered useless for who knows how many days because of my ignorance, my ego and my technical hubris. You never doubted for a second that I would repair your failed e-mail system because I never gave you the chance. 

The truth is, the only thing I have mastered in my career is a large vocabulary of obfuscating acronyms like TCP/IP, SMTP and LDAP. You had no idea what I was talking about, and neither did I. 

As for your company's missing confidential accounting data -- it's just gone. I don't know what else to say. My tape backup solution was nothing more than a stack of cards and wishful thinking. It's like the data never even existed. 

What am I saying? For all practical purposes, it's like the ENTIRE COMPANY never existed! 

What a foolish ass I am! (teardrop stains smear the ink) 

So I'm leaving now, never to return. Please forgive me -- or better yet, forget we ever met. (teardrop) I wish I was never born. 

Shamefully, Wilson Dortmunder, MCSE, CCNA and B.S. in Computer Science, Metropolitan State Community College.