Let's make a new list, for lack of anything better to do...

An exercise in thee, thine and thou:

1) How I lust for thee.

2) Methinks thine loins burn for me...

3) Wouldst thou slather thine loins with Cool Whip (registered trade mark) and permitest me to enjoy thine delights?

4) Art not thou horny?

5) Wouldst thou accept my deepest apologies, then?

An uplifting, positive list: Horrible things that never happened.

So, I was walking down the street today when the thought struck me like a 15-pound, spiral-cut, smoked ham lobbed into my face from a passing car:

"I didn't get killed by a terrorist today."

So I continued with that groundbreaking thought:

"Say! I don't think I've EVER been killed by a terrorist, nor do I know anybody who was."

What a lucky man I must be.

I have been spared from the obvious, imminent threat of terrorism for all these frightening years. Not one suicide bombing, not one hijacking, not one hint of jihad. I've also never been car-jacked. Hell, I've never been jacked in any way.

I've never been shot by a teenager wielding a legally purchased firearm, nor have I had the need to kill a drug-crazed child-molestor in self defense. My baby, who has yet to be molested, has never come close to strangling herself in a large plastic bag. She hasn't drown in a swimming pool, either. And I'm certain she's never been abducted and held hostage by a strange family of scary foreigners.

But wait, there's more:

- None of my friends have been killed by drunk drivers.
- I haven't gotten divorced
- I don't live on the street, feeding my wife and baby from restaurant dumpsters.
- I haven't been forced into a life of gay prostitution.
- My family hasn't been kidnapped by desperate escaped convicts, forced to be the unwilling passengers in their stolen Chyrsler Newport as they flee from an angry convoy of police officers.
- I haven't contracted cancer, AIDS or herpes.
- I have never -- even in childhood -- been offered a candy apple with a razor blade hidden inside.
- I've never drown from intense cramps caused by swimming immediately after eating.
- High taxes have never forced me into bankrupcy.

It goes on and on like that. Terrible things that scare the crap out of me -- not one of them has ever happened.

I'm beginning to wonder if they ever will.

Pushin' buttons all day long... pullin' levers all night!

"That's the way we do it around here, Deuce Fuego. We work hard for our rewards."

"But the big dance is tonight, Mister Foxtrot! Jane Hamilton is waiting for me! I got to go!"

"Just 'cause you want to dance all night with Mary Jane Panty-dropper don't mean there ain't a ton of work to be done around here. Understand what I'm sayin' Mr. Wiggly Hips? Mr. Kevin Bacon?
If I were you, I'd dance myself over to the chicken shredder and get busy! Them leghorns ain't gonna shred themselves."

"This sucks, boss. After I get done shreddin' these chickens, I'm going straight to the ballfield, where I'm gonna shoot myself in the face with my uncle's sling shot!"

"Sounds like a fine way to wrap up an honest day's work, Deuce."

Geosynchronous orbit is a lousy place to pressure your date for sex

I've taken this girl about as far as she will go. She sits there in the passenger seat, tiny tee and short skirt, legs crossed and hands clasped tightly on her lap. We're 22,000 miles high in geosynchronous orbit over her parents' house, and nudity doesn't appear to be an option.

"The force is strong in you. Why don't you join me on the dark side?"

Her head shakes no.

"We could do wonderful things together."

No, again.

"I'll let you fly."

No.

"You know, I flew a thousand astronomical units to get here tonight. I'd have thought you might show some appreciation, but I guess I was wrong. It tears me up inside. I'm tempted to kill the engines right now. If I do, we'll both plummet to Earth in a fiery ball of sad, sorry death, but at least we'd be together forever. Is that what you want?"

It's late. Past her curfew. She just wants to go home.

"Fine, then. I'll take you home. But don't wait around for me to come calling. This extraterrestrial don't phone home no more."

This baby will whup yo' ass...

... if you don't step off now.

A couple of points

1) Although I'm still sexy, my vision is no longer perfect.

2) I am now 37.

Conversations that don't include money or work

Read this. How many times have you asked a complete stranger -- for lack of anything better to say -- what he did for work?"

For my part, more times than I could count.

So, here we go, a list of conversation openers that don't reference money or work:

1) The time I snapped a wet towel at my brother so hard it drew blood.

2) The time I skied into a drift fence and smashed it to pieces in front of my friends and about 30 ski lift passengers.

3) The time I crapped my pants at work and tossed my boxers into the dumpster out back of the building.

4) The time my martial arts instructor choked me so hard I blacked out (and the other time that happened, with a different instructor. What fun.)

5) The many times I've been kicked in the balls.

6) The greatest animated movies I've ever seen, which include but aren't limited to: Princess Mononoke and Heavy Metal.

7) The thrill of sport, and the agony of defeat.

8) The world's greatest electric guitar tones, including Hendrix, Van Halen, Zappa and Nugent.

9) The allure of the female breast.

10) Why rare meat is better than well-done.

Mattie

Early girl, backwards girl floppy, skinny little girl blue skin, brown hair and the prettiest little lips She never was hard to look at even when filthy and foul she extracts a father's smile almost every time.

Light year dream

Beautiful points of light
expand into vacant space
infinite lengths of time

this is the road ahead
a lonely light-year dream

I've come so far
who could have known
soft lips and warm hands
could make going home so hard?

Never be the same again
since the day I let her in
since the day I beamed her up
since the day I inhaled her breath
in geosynchronous orbit above her parents' house.

Best photos of aliens on the net

Studly.










Gross.










Moldy pubic hair -- eww!










Awwww.... Isn't she precious?











Sexy flirt!

Ten things I won't do

1) I'll never eat human feces (on purpose).
2) Never stick a rusty fork in my eye.
3) Won't slap a bitch
4) Won't hunt the "ultimate prey"
5) Won't buy a Ford.

Hugo Strange Winterhalter, Esquire -- civilian, not-for-profit spy

Civilian observer, Hugo Strange Winterhalter, reporting his observances during a short walk today. These records come only from this observer's memory:

1) A woman, smoking a cigarette, driving a white Cadillac with a military entrance sticker affixed to the windshield.

2) An Arab-looking guy, driving a Metro taxi.

3) Followed by two black guys, one of them a kid with his head out the window, riding in a tan SUV.

4) A man or woman -- couldn't tell -- driving a silver car with a handicap tag hanging from the rear-view mirror.

5) A woman, whose face I couldn't see, driving a tan van with dark-tinted windows.

6) A woman, driving a yellow convertible.

7) Another woman -- this one dark-skinned, perhaps asian, kind of cute -- driving a tan car with the window rolled down.

8) A person with a dark-skinned arm -- couldn't see the face -- driving a turquoise-colored car -- maybe a Ford Tempo or something like that.

9) An old man with a red baseball cap, eyeglasses and a gray beard, driving a powder blue 70s or 80s- model American car -- maybe a Ford or Mercury.

11) Two Mexicans trimming branches from a tree at the entrance of a cemetery maintenance facility. One was thin, older, with a mustache, short hair. He looked like a Mexican movie star from the '20s. Very handsome.

12) On the highline trail: While studying a model of a sailing ship that was displayed in a high window of a condo (on either side were situated models of lighthouses) a man in a yellow shirt and red baseball cap rode by on his bicycle. He wore shorts of unknown color, green socks and brown shoes.

13) A woman on a bike, wearing a red and white helmet. She sported blue, opaque sun glasses and gray-blonde hair.

14) Two more Mexicans, tending to the lawn of a condominium complex. One was wearing a white, sleeveless shirt and brown pants. His overshirt (teal-blue) hung on a fence nearby. He operated a rake. The other wore a similar teal-blue short-sleeved shirt and denim, long shorts. He was raking leaves as well.

15) A woman who spoke to squirrels. She chattered and clicked into the trees. She was holding a bag of bread crumbs.

16) A gathering of old ladies, perhaps as many as five. A few of them had white poodles. They sat on benches, laughing and joking with each other.

17) A man in a white baseball cap, a dark long-sleeved shirt, and rather large sunglasses, riding his bike toward me. I believe he wore a fanny pack.

18) A older man, bald, but not totally bald, messing around with his car, closing the door, locking it. He wore a sleeveless, white shirt, sweat pants, and sandals. He spotted me, but I don't think he paid me any attention.

19) A woman with a large black dog -- Rotteweiller mix, maybe -- wearing a red skirt, and a shirt with horizontal stripes (red and white). She also wore a straw hat, sunglasses, and flat-footed slip-on shoes -- gray or tan in color -- possibly suede. She appeared afraid, which could explain the large dog.

20) A couple, holding hands and walking away from me. They walked a small, white dog -- goofy looking, the kind with a squished face. The man was tall, wore a blue T-shirt, tucked smartly into his jeans, which were lashed to his frame with a no-nonsense brown leather belt. Unfortunately, he also wore white tennis shoes, which in this observer's opinion is a fashion error -- tennis shoes are for tennis and tennis only. He held in his right hand the left hand of his lover, a woman in a large white T-shirt and blue, long shorts. She had a fat ass, but that's certainly not her fault. She had long blond hair and wore Birkenstock-style sandals. They turned off the trail into the parking lot of a condominium complex.

21) Where, TWO MORE Mexicans were tending to the lawns. One wore a red T-shirt, the other a brown or tan one. Both wore orange ear plugs. They quickly disappeared behind a garage.

22) Down the way a few more paces, another Mexican rode a mower. He wore a light-green, long-sleeved shirt, a straw hat and sunglasses. Also, he wore ear plugs. This observer spotted a forth Mexican around the corner of the building, using either a push mower or perhaps a weed-whacker. This forth Mexican was partially obstructed by foliage, but he appeard to be wearing a dark T-shirt, jeans and a baseball cap.

23) On Dayton, a black man was spotted riding golf cart through the parking lot of another condominium complex. He wore a baseball cap. Strapped to the back of the cart was a short, stubby ladder. This observer could not keep up.

24) At the corner of Dayton and Mississippi, a large tractor of some sort was being parked by the driver -- couldn't see the driver.

25) In the intersection of Dayton and Mississippi, a blond woman with a long ponytail, dressed in an orange safety vest, was writing on a clip board. She wore a yellow T-shirt and jeans. She also wore boots. Were she not a tall, big-boned woman, she might have looked out of place. As it was, she fit right in.

26) A tall, thin, very dark-skinned black guy, wearing black pants and a black T-shirt, stood beneath the shade of a tree near a bus stop. He wore a baseball cap. Accompanying the man was a little girl, wearing a football jersey (Denver Broncos, number 24 -- Champ Bailey, defensive back with the Broncos since 2004, with Washington Redskins since his rookie year in 1999). The little girl was very cute, with two puffy pig tails on either side of her head. She was a little black girl.

[The man asked this observer if this observer knew if the busses were still running on this route. This observer said he didn't know, but that probably, yes, they were still running. This observer then thought maybe that was a stupid thing to suggest, since this observer actually did not know a damn thing about the bus routes in this area. This observer will not make that mistake again.]

27) A man in a large white T-shirt and green shorts, either unloading or loading his SUV in the parking lot of the Breakers condos. The man carried a laptop on his shoulder and at his feet was a traveling garment back. Both items were black. He was white.

28) On Mississippi, this observer noted the following westbound cars: A dark Ford SUV, A dark pickup truck with an Oakland Raiders sticker affixed to the lower right corner of the rear window, followed by another dark Ford SUV.

29) There were many other observances, but this observer has run out of time to describe them...

Consider this report FILED!

My worth, stated as the product of my weight and the price of gold

At current gold prices, my value is $1,355,768.70.

The Dukes of High Orbit

(Dixie theme song, sounded from a trucker's airhorn)

Yeeeeeeeeee Hawwwwwwww!

A Frank Confession of a Fallen Information Technology Professional

Dear Sirs: 

 I am so sorry. 

I know I promised "I'd take care of everything," and I might have made some exaggerated statements implying that your company's failed e-mail system was "probably just a user error" or some "simple, bone-headed misconfiguration" that had idled the workforce for days, but I was clearly wrong. 

I've worked for 42 straight hours repairing your broken e-mail systems, and I'll be Goddamned why the errors just won't go away. Every command I typed generated another horrifying beep of failure from the poor machine's tiny little speakers! 

I still hear it -- the terrible digital reproach amid the endless hiss of all those whirring cooling fans: "Beep!" WRONG! "Beep, beep!" WRONG, AGAIN! "Beep, beep, beep!" YOU ARE A LOSER AND YOU ARE KILLING ME! 

I have failed... There, I said it. 

I'm a technical idiot. I'm the one who is broken. I'm weak and impotent and I apologize for all the frustration and heartache I've caused your workforce. 

It's clear to me now that all of the computer glitches, data corruption and unannounced network outages that you fine people have endured during my tenure as your IT Director were a DIRECT RESULT of my foolish, impetuous actions in the data center. I shouldn't be allowed near a typewriter, let alone a glorious network like the one yours used to be before I laid my clumsy hands on it. 

It has been a shock to realize that I've always found a way to blame you beautiful people for all of the untraceable technical problems I had created. There was always a mysterious "human anomaly" and you were all "stupid users" to me. I just couldn't understand why computer concepts were so hard for you to grasp ("It's very simple -- you have to import the data tables FIRST, AND THEN convert them into comma-delimited format before uploading the file to the server using the PROPER commands... SHEESH!") 

And I was so sensitive to criticism. You barely knew how to turn a computer off, and yet you dared offer your "hypothesis" on why your icons have all disappeared? 

I feel sick. 

I was so self-centered. I'm embarrassed running away like this, in the middle of the night, leaving you with nothing but a massive spaghetti-tangle of cables, two smoking file servers and a hand-scribbled note Scotch-taped to your front door. 

You deserve better from your network engineer. You're all fine workers who have been rendered useless for who knows how many days because of my ignorance, my ego and my technical hubris. You never doubted for a second that I would repair your failed e-mail system because I never gave you the chance. 

The truth is, the only thing I have mastered in my career is a large vocabulary of obfuscating acronyms like TCP/IP, SMTP and LDAP. You had no idea what I was talking about, and neither did I. 

As for your company's missing confidential accounting data -- it's just gone. I don't know what else to say. My tape backup solution was nothing more than a stack of cards and wishful thinking. It's like the data never even existed. 

What am I saying? For all practical purposes, it's like the ENTIRE COMPANY never existed! 

What a foolish ass I am! (teardrop stains smear the ink) 

So I'm leaving now, never to return. Please forgive me -- or better yet, forget we ever met. (teardrop) I wish I was never born. 

Shamefully, Wilson Dortmunder, MCSE, CCNA and B.S. in Computer Science, Metropolitan State Community College.

If I don't find some inner peace out here, you're a dead man

Fishing is a horrible way to pass the time.

I went fishing yesterday after the ol' nine-to-five. Spent the majority of my time tying flies to my leader and untangling my flies from trees, rocks and even from my own rod.

The evening basically went like this: Tie fly to leader, untangle, cast, untangle fly from weeds, cast, cast, untangle fly from weeds on opposite bank, cast, untangle, untangle, untangle, tie new fly on leader to replace lost fly, cast, untangle, etc.

Meanwhile, happy little fish splish-splashed to and fro, upstream and down, free of fear that I had even an idiot's chance of catching them.

Finally I snapped.

This is embarasssing to admit, but I threw a wild tantrum.

I threw my rod into the creek, and then picked it up and threw it into a tree, where it got stuck. I climbed up a steep embankment and retrieved my rod, and commenced whacking the crap out of every tree and rock I could reach. Then I beat the crap out of the river until I broke my rod and damaged the reel.

And the fish swam, to and fro, upstream and down, free of fear or harm.

I wish I could say that I feel better now, but I don't.

Esta una historia Cinderalla en Alemania 2006!

Team Archucatelectl victorious in first match! [STOP] Exceeds all expectations! [STOP] Proceeds to next round. [STOP]


GOOOOAAAAAALLLLLL...

...OOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!


Latin American futol champ Rojelio Galban, in Germany:

"It waz very exciting, this match!"

"We ran at our opponents very fast..."

"...we made very hard kicks..."

"... and our balls flew into their goals many, many times!"

Team Archucaltelectl: 4, Team Germany: 1

I stroke my organ almost every day...

I touch it, and "tickle" it with my fingers. I tap it and POKE IT WITH MY FOOT. This gets me hot and sweaty, because I do it in my garage, where there's no air conditioning.

I stroke my organ every chance I get.

My organ has wood...

My organ is large...

My organ is old...

My organ

What we have here is the backside of my 1968 Lowry electric organ, with the cover removed. Cool, yes?

A few words from our friend, international soccer champ Rojilio Galban

I'm busy working at the moment, but I think Latin American superstar futbol champ Rojilio Galban has something to say: "Keeds, drugs y alcohol might seem fun and exciting, but I can say from personal experience that they're not. And while it's true that drugs can open our minds to fantastic new experiences that not even U.S. astronauts on the moon can comprehend, that's no reason to risk wasting your money or ruining your life. Also, you might hear from commie pinko leftist Democrats that drugs are not as dangerous as we've been led to believe -- do not fall for that mierda. Dios mio no!" "So, keeds, please follow my advice: focus on one game at a time, concentrate on your defense, and just try to put la pelota through the goal."